The "Red Lipstick" Incident

As none of you know, I have a tendency to enjoy eating during the holidays. Actually, it is not really limited to a seasonal enjoyment! Anyway, during the holiday season I was asked to go to the store and pick up a few essential staples (milk, eggs, etc.). With my love of food, this can be quite an expensive and caloric adventure. Before I worked my way to the back of the store to get the essential items of milk and eggs, I found myself distracted with one of my many weaknesses. Actually, grocery stores and casinos are not all that different. They know to put the lower margin products toward the back of the store and put the higher margin, impulsive purchases like floral items at the front of the store. Casinos pump you full of cheap, watered- down drinks and tantalize you with strategically placed slot machines paying off near the entrance in hopes of enticing you into believing you will be the next big winner. But I digress... One of my many weaknesses are OREO cookies. I cursed the day when Nabisco came out with Double Stuff OREO cookies... Being the holiday season, they had OREO Double Stuff cookies in festive colors including snowflakes and snowmen printed on the chocolate cookie as well as bright red fillings. The filling called out to me as I rationalized the purchase by thinking it was almost vegetable-like... At this point, it seemed like a Norman Rockwell moment to indulge in such an American classic decorated for the holidays. After all, what was I going to do with all the milk I was going to purchase anyway? As I went ahead and selected the items on my list, I worked my way back to the front of the store. A bit A.D.D., I found myself distracted by the beautiful flowers and decided to add them to my cart. What a nice husband, I thought...

The drive home was a long one. Maybe 8 minutes or so... I happened to place the OREO's, the Double Stuff OREO's with the red filling, next to me in the front seat. It seemed like a shame not to let them sit up front with me. As a matter of fact, it seemed a shame to not enjoy these festive cookies on the scenic sleigh ride home. As I began to indulge in one of my favorite snacks (eating the filling first, of course), I unfastened the safety belt that protected them and had my first, second and third cookie. Three was not a charm as I dropped the filling (the red filling) onto the top part of my tan shirt. I tried to pick it off with my finger, but managed to smear it further on my shirt. I looked down and realized that it resembled a certain shade of lipstick branded "sleeping on the couch tonight" by Revlon. I was sure that my wife would understand that it was merely just a brief encounter- a brief encounter with shortening, sugar and food coloring.

As I entered the house, I was sure that this incident was surely to be forgiven. After all, she new how many encounters I have had with shortening, sugar and food coloring before. As I approached the kitchen, I decided to be upfront and share the unfortunate incident with honesty and integrity. My daughter and several of her friends (staying overnight from a sleepover) found the incident amusing until... I pulled out the bouquet of flowers I had purchased on impulse at the front of the grocery store. These flowers carried with them the fragrance of guilt as my daughter's friends changed their expressions of laughter to groans of uneasiness. The words "you are in so much trouble" rang out from one of the girls, although I do not remember which one since the event occurred in slow motion. Fortunately, she knew my love for food, and upon examination, realized that it didn't look as much like lipstick after all...